Ho Ho Huh? The Sequel, RIP Daria Nicolodi, A Krampus Sweatshirt, And More!
In this Issue:
- Horror History: Ho Ho Huh? The Sequel
- Image of the Week: RIP Daria Nicolodi
- Tiny Bites – This Week’s Best Horror Headlines
- Things We Love: 1, 2, Krampus is Coming For You
- Hey, That’s Us! – Shudder in the News
Ho Ho Huh? The Sequel
By Matt Donato
‘Tis Donato’s grand return, for this festive Bite;
Spreading seasonal fear meant to thrill and excite.
Yes, once again, with Christmas horror’s good word;
But last year was too tame, so let’s get more absurd.
Why don’t we start with Dan Haggerty in Elves;
Who’s hammered in most takes, let’s not fool ourselves?
Nazis, mall Santas, and forced demon-seed breeding;
Plus an elf so ugly your eyes will be bleeding.
Poor Kirsten is cursed to birth a new master race,
As the horned-up goblin pest never quits his chase.
She turns to her grandpa, who’s also her dad;
Christmas and incest, is it really that bad?
Yes, that’s a joke, what the fuck is occurring;
Isn’t Elves plural? Only one “elf” is stirring.
Dan Haggerty, his booze, and beard save the day;
Unless that’s a fetus shot, in which case, oy vey.
Did you know that Christmas is The Day Of The Beast?
From Spain comes this headbanger’s satanic feast.
A priest commits sins to stop the antichrist’s birth;
Lest he allows Lucifer’s destruction of Earth.
A metalhead, a padre, and a TV host;
Mankind’s last defense against an unholy ghost.
It’s batty and blasphemous, a true yuletide treat;
The Day Of The Beast is one chiller to beat.
Before I wrap up, why not a classic remake?
Silent Night, a gruesome slasher, is no lame fake.
Savage kills deck the halls with tinsel and gore,
As a woodchipper spits minced-up flesh to the floor.
Nods to Silent Night, Deadly Night keep fans in glee,
Like mounted antlers that puncture; oh, what a spree.
Using practical effects is “Nice List” conduct,
Given how many CGI knockoffs have sucked.
Once more, dear readers; three Christmas special die-lights.
What’s that Santa’s writing? Oh, just your last rites.
Pray to the sugar plums that dance in your head,
And hope Krampus skips you; that bringer of dread.
Matt Donato is a freelance writer who stays up too late typing words for such outlets such as /Film, Collider, Bloody Disgusting, and What To Watch. You can follow his work on Twitter, Instagram, and Letterboxd at @DonatoBomb.
IMAGE OF THE WEEK
RIP Daria Nicolodi
Actress, screenwriter, and cult icon Daria Nicolodi passed away this Thursday at the age of 70. Her daughter, Asia Argento, broke the tragic news. Known for her presence throughout Dario Argento’s filmography, Nicolodi was also credited with the original concept and co-writing the screenplay for Suspiria.
FANGRRLS, MISERY, AND MORE
Syfy Wire’s Fangrrls sadly announced the end of their publication this week, after providing us with incredible genre content for the past four years.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Sawyer family is jumping on the reunion bandwagon with a special two-day event this Friday and Saturday hosted by Joe Bob Briggs.
Interactive Zoom horror short Take This Lollipop 2 uses deep fakes to scare viewers from the comfort of home.
AV Club wrote about the legacy of Lucille Fletcher’s Sorry, Wrong Number which Orson Welles called “the greatest radio script ever written.” It was also one of the first telephone-based horror films.
This piece looks at horror’s penchant for focusing on Indigenous lore over Indigenous people.
Thanksgiving may be over, but its themed horror movies are evergreen — this list of the holiday’s scariest features is well worth a look.
It’s Misery’s 30th anniversary this week, and Film School Rejects is celebrating by looking at Kathy Bates’ performance and the film’s discourse around toxic fandom.
Meanwhile, Collider positioned the film and Bates’ Annie Wilkes as an allegory for COVID-19 and being stuck in quarantine.
Dig into the identity crisis of internet horror in this video essay through early aught cyber-horror flicks Kairo and Feardotcom.
This piece looks at Hollywood’s longstanding tradition of using disabilities in horror films as the signifier for evil.
Refinery29 looked at the industry’s obsession with murderous mothers.
Dig into the history of Val Lewton’s horror through four of his iconic titles in this article from Bloody Disgusting.
THINGS WE LOVE
1, 2, Krampus is Coming For You
HEY, THAT’S US! – SHUDDER IN THE NEWS
Now Scream This: 10 Great Streaming Horror Movies – /Film (The Cleansing Hour and The Mortuary Collection)